This particular mug is very special because Ben's Grandma St. Helen made it. I love the earth tones, the shape, the size, and how warm my coffee stays in this mug. Ben's grandparents live in Oregon. We haven't been out to OR since 2006 when Ben proposed (that's a great story, for another time), but plan on visiting as soon as possible.
OK, back to October 6th, 2013...
I was given royal treatment at our birthing center. "What room would you like? Oh, this one is biggest, let's put you in here", the nurse who admitted us chattered, as we walked into a massive labor and delivery room. I didn't care about the room.
How is this baby not here yet? Why isn't he coming on his own? What if we wait another week to see if he comes without help? Oh God, they're going to give me an IV. - My mind was going a mile a minute and room size was not priority on the list. In the end I was very grateful to have the largest room.
I was given a hospital gown and told to make myself comfortable. Comfortable, right. After changing I didn't want to get on the bed, so I didn't. I stood, talking with Ben and Julie, until the nurse came in and said "you can get in the bed, it's all yours." As it turns out, I wouldn't be on my feet again for quite some time. Standing was the right decision.
Typically I am the chilly one, known to wear sweaters and jackets even in the middle of summer. Not this time. "It's warm in here" I said, looking around the room for the thermostat "can we turn it down?" Ben went over to adjust the temperature, "How cold do you want it?" he asked. "As low as it will go" I replied, "and did you remember my fan?"
I've always been on the claustrophobic side and being pregnant had only emphasized this. Having cold airflow was going to be vital to my comfort during this delivery.
What felt like hours later, the head nurse came in to do my IV. "We've had an emergency and all our staff and nurses are in the delivery room" she started "It's been a while, but I'm sure I remember how to do one of these"
YOU'RE SURE YOU REMEMBER? Girl, you're about to run a needle up my vein and you're "sure you remember how"
I have never liked needles. I can remember going in for shots as a child, clinging to the table legs and screaming because I hated them so much. My poor mother. In this moment, as I watched my, hopefully competent, nurse prepare the IV and begin to sanitize my hand, everything in me screamed 'get on the floor and cling to the bed legs!'
"I really don't like needles" I told her, "so I'm going to turn my face, close my eyes, and hum. Please just tell me when you're done." She smiled and said "yes ma'am". Just as I was closing my eyes I caught a glimpse of the needle, the giant 18 gauge needle, that she was about to shove into my flesh.
*A 22 gauge needle is typically used. The higher the gauge, the smaller the needle.
I could feel the panic rushing over me, and she hadn't even started yet. Let me tell you, this was by far the most painful part of my entire labor and delivery experience. I cried, not just a few tears either. "I covered the needle so you don't have to look at it" she said as she gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Thank you" I replied through my tears.
After a few minutes the pain in my hand subsided (no I wasn't hooked up to painkillers) and I was able to "relax" a bit. The room had finally started to cool off and breathing felt easier. I could feel how tired and anxious I was. Around 10:00pm we finally started the inducement process. My Dr wanted me well rested for the next day, so he had given instructions for a sleeping pill to be administered.
When trying to juggle a house, pets, and having a baby, things become tricky. We had decided that Ben would go home after I fell asleep and make sure everything was ready for baby and me the next day. Julie stayed with me all night.
I woke the next day, somewhere around 7:00am, and was very pleased to hear that we had made quite a bit of progress over night. My Dr. came in at 8:00am to check on me, "Wow, it's cold in here!" he said, "I want to make sure you enjoy this experience, Amanda" he said with a smile "that way you'll want to do it again." I looked at him and said "as long as my son gets here safe and healthy, I will enjoy the experience." Ben arrived right around this time. "It's really cold in here babe"
One of my favorite nurses from the office, Jolie, had just transferred back into the birthing center a week or two before I was set to deliver. During my last appointment with her we had discussed how wonderful it would be for her to be with me during delivery. She knew how important it was to me that this was done as naturally as possible. When she walked into my room: "Wow, it's cold in here. Amanda! I was hoping it was you!"
What a blessing to have her with us. She went and got blankets for my mom and sisters and made sure we never lacked for anything.
My water broke around 8:30am and we were moving! My mom and Stacey arrived somewhere around 10:00 "Wow, it's cold in here!" she said, with a huge smile on her face.
Yes, my fan was on as well. Ben was wearing all of his warm Navy gear, including his hat!
Jolie knew how important it was to me that I have my baby naturally. Being induced kinda put a kink in that plan. She made sure that my pitocin drip was at it's lowest setting to affect me and fought for me every time my Dr. recommended it be increased. "What level is she on currently?" he asked, "she's making great progress on a 2" Jolie replied. "Bump her up to at least a 5" he told her. "She wants to do it on her own" Jolie said.
*A pitocin drip maxes out at 20
She was a God send.
After several hours of contractions I was exhausted and frustrated. My boy wasn't dropping and had started to work against the contractions. "Jolie, I think I would like a dose of Nubain" - "are you sure? You're doing great and it will only make you sleepy" - "I'll still feel my contractions right?" she nodded, "yes, please. I'd like to try and sleep a little" - "Coming right up". I made this request only twice, and while the pain remained the same, I was able to sleep a little.
Ben and I had opted out of birthing classes. I knew that, in the moment, I was going to handle things my way. Yoga breathing. If there is one thing I can tell you to practice it would be deep, controlled, focused breathing.
Contractions were coming about every minute and lasting for at least 30 seconds.
~During a contraction: "Ben, hand. Sucker." - He took my sucker (all I was allowed to have besides ice chips) while I squeezed his hand, closed my eyes, and focused on my breathing and feeling my body prepare for it's finest moment
~After a contraction: "Thank you, may I have my sucker back now please?"
This was the routine for 11 hours.
*There was one time when I only had Ben's finger. " I think you may have broken it" he said after my contraction subsided a little and I finally let go. "I said 'hand', you were too slow" I said, as he massaged and wiggled his finger around "nope, not broken".
After 10 hours of labor my Dr recommended I get an epidural to help my body relax, in hopes that this would help baby to relax and finally start to crown. The anesthesiologist was sent to my room and as we talked he asked "you're not ready to give up yet are you?" - "No" - "you can always call me back if you need me. I don't want to start this unless you're 100% sure" - "Thank you, I'm not ready yet"
Again, Jolie was amazing. She was my nurse, my cheerleader, and my friend who wanted to see me do things my way. She was my backbone when I felt weak and she was my brick wall of protection when my wishes were questioned. I could probably write and entire blog post dedicated to her and the conversations we had during my 12.5 hour labor.
After hitting the 11 hour mark I could sense the worry in Ben and my family. "Amanda, I'd really like you to try the epidural. If we don't see progress soon we will have to consider our alternatives" Dr S said as he looked over my charts. Barrett was continuing to have negative reactions to the contractions, working against them instead of with them. "If your charts looked different you could keep going, but we don't want to put you or your baby at risk. You're exhausted, Amanda, and you want to be able to enjoy your baby when he gets here. We want to avoid an emergency situation." I felt so defeated as I agreed, "OK, I'll take the epidural now"
We tried with the epidural for an hour (now up to 12 hours of labor), and still no progress. Having contractions that you don't feel was odd. I had grown accustom to how they felt and to see the numbers jump and feel nothing was such a weird experience. "At this point I'm concerned that he is being held up by the umbilical cord. His heart rate is fine, but his leg or arm might be caught. There has to be a reason he hasn't come down and is working against your contractions. I think it's time to consider a c-section, Amanda. Take a few minutes and let me know how you feel"
As soon as the words "c-section" came from my Dr's mouth Ben dropped his head into his hands. My mom and sisters had tears welling in their eyes.
Despite all that was going on, I had peace. I didn't need time to think it over.
"Let's do it"
I was prepped for surgery and the anesthesiologist came in to remove my epidural needle and prepare for a spinal tap. "Do you have any concerns Amanda?" he asked. "yes, will the room be cool enough? I'm struggling with claustrophobia and if I don't feel cold air movement I might panic." He smiled and said, "I can tell you like it chilly. I'll fan you myself if I need to. We will make sure you're comfortable."
I was wheeled into the OR, given my spinal tap (which I almost fell asleep during), and laid on the table. I kept asking if Ben was in the room yet, I didn't want him to miss anything. They assured me that they wouldn't start without him. As soon as he came in I felt so much better. Then, the spinal tap kicked in, really in. "I'm not breathing" I started saying, feeling panic rush over me. "Amanda, you're talking, you're breathing. The ST has numbed you up to your chin so you can't feel your rib cage rising and falling. You're breathing, just keep talking to me."
Yes, that makes sense. As much as I tried, I couldn't control the panic. This is not how it was supposed to be! I was supposed to go into labor on my own, to experience pushing and the joy on my husbands face as he saw his son for the first time. I was supposed to experience his birth, not be hidden behind a curtain waiting for him to be taken from my body.
"tell me your address Amanda" - "204... I still can't breathe" - "Where were you born Amanda?" - "Newark...I'm not feeling well" - "Put your hands over your mouth so you can feel your breath" - "ok, that's a little better" - "tell me your address again"
My anesthesiologist did a wonderful job.
All of my panicked thoughts were hushed as I started to pay attention to what the Dr's and nurses were saying.
"do you see the size of that head"
-oh no, our son looks like Stewie from Family Guy!
"I may have to make the incision longer"
-WHAT?
"Oh wow"
-Oh no
"I severely underestimated the size of this baby, Amanda"
-How big is he?
- Anesthesiologist to Ben: "You're going to want to watch this part." Ben was amazing, all of his focus had been on me and keeping me calm.
"You have a beautiful baby boy, Amanda! A BIG beautiful boy!"
-How big is he??
Ben, "He's here and he's perfect baby! I'm so proud of you! He's big, he's really big!"
Ben was so perfect, running back and forth from me to baby and back again.
I hadn't heard him cry yet. I wasn't going to be happy until I heard him..."waaaaa"
I was so happy! All in one instant I no longer noticed the room temperature, or the fact that I "couldn't breathe" My baby was here, he was healthy, he was big, and he was crying.
The nurse brought him over to me and placed his perfect little face next to mine. I kissed him and told him how much I loved him and that I couldn't wait to hold him.
Then, just as quickly as I was wheeled in, I was taken back to my room. "What's his name?" everyone was asking Ben, but he still wouldn't budge. Once we were back in the room with my mom and sisters he finally said, "everyone, meet Barrett"
Barrett Michael Potter was born on October 7th, 2013 at 9:48pm weighing 10lbs 1oz, 22" long and already wearing a size 3mo.
I was weak and exhausted when they brought him in to me. They actually had to help me hold him. He was perfect.
He still is.
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| Last baby bump picture, taken at 40 weeks |
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| Coming home outfit, size 3months |
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| Daddy holding his boy the night he was born |
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| Happy baby, two days old |
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